Well as I am sure most have already heard and those who haven't probably could have assumed as we have been a bit delayed in our update our test came back negative. We were prepared for it as we had a lot of signs (I won’t go into detail :-) ) that pretty much let us know a few days before test day. I would like to be able to say that we shrugged it off and said "we'll get it next time" but honestly it has not been so easy. To be honest this has probably been one of the toughest weeks of my life. The pain is beyond anything I can really explain, the hope diminished and the fear so real. The fear comes from the realization that this just may not be in the cards for us. I know the easy answer for anyone who has a faith walk is that 'well then it is not meant to be' and as much as I would love to jump on the bandwagon of acceptance for whatever God's plan is for me it is not that easy when his plan may exclude children for Chad and I. At some point we will have to come to accept it as we will need to in order to be able to get on with our lives and find happiness once again. I just know it will be a tough journey to that place where we can come to peace with his answer to our deepest prayers and desires.
Test day was last Monday and it was a difficult day and the hospital did not make it any easier for me. It took me until the afternoon to even get the nerve up to go and get the blood test taken (it is a requirement even if you know the results as Walter Reed requires a documented test result). I first went to the clinic on base as I thought it would be the easiest place to do it even though it would take longer to get the results back (no big deal though as we knew the outcome). Well, I showed up at the lab and after waiting for 30 min I was told that they do not do HCG blood pregnancy test at the lab on base and I would have to go the hospital down town, so there I went. I showed up at the hospital and signed in and waited for my turn to be called up to the counter so they can register me and then put me in the que for my blood draw. After about another 30 or so min. I was finally called up to be registered, or at least I thought, I walk up to the counter and handed them the order for the blood draw that I received from Walter Reed on transfer day, they looked at it for about 5 min and then told me that it did not have a diagnosis on it so they could not perform the test. I asked the obvious question "wouldn't you need a pregnancy test to make a diagnosis????" Seems logical to me but not to them. Then I had to explain our situation about having IVF and such done, did I mention that there is absolutely no privacy and there is a room full of people, like I wanted these strangers to know my personal business. I was very agitated at this point, sad and angry. I just wanted to get the test over so it could be done and I could go home and cry. Of course that did not happen I had to wait for them to call Walter Reed to confirm the requirements. After they had their paperwork squared away I finally got my test done and had to wait another hour for the results so I could fax them to Walter Reed. The good news is I got it done and was able to maintain my composure.
I don’t know where we go from here. This road is a much tougher journey than I could have ever imagined. It is a part of my life that I would love to put behind me and just look to the future. I am not exactly sure how to do that. I know I hurt for Chad just as he hurts for me. I think the pain of disappointment for each other is worse than the pain we feel for ourselves. It is hard for me not to feel responsible for Chad having to go through this. That is something that is hard for me to get past. Of course he says it is nonsense and he wouldn't want to be anywhere else. He is such a great guy.
Today was my first day back to work since Dec 14. I enjoyed my time off and hated having to go back to work today but it is probably the best thing for me right now. It got me out of my PJ's for the first time in a week and I think I actually made it an entire day w/out crying so I'm making progress :-). Of course the day is not over yet :-)
I know a lot of people wonder if we will try again and I can honestly say, I don’t know. Before we started this latest journey we thought we would do 3 cycles and then go from there but after this first one I am not sure. There is a huge financial and emotional investment and it is very difficult when everything is going just how you prayed for it to go and then in the end it doesn't. It makes us a little gun shy to want to go through all of those emotional highs and lows. Then the reality hits us that we could walk away from this down $24K and still not have a baby. Not trying to put a price tag on what it would mean to us to have a child but after spending $24K on treatments there may not be much left for adoption, if we decided to go down that road which I know has its own emotional highs and lows. So really there is no easy answer for us and one that I do not think we are ready to answer.
For those who are curious our friends that we met there did find success and we could not be happier for them. I will admit it was hard for me to hear at first but I can honestly say that I am so thrilled that they do not have to go through what Chad and I are experiencing right now. The hard thing is that she and I are the exact same age, we transferred the same quality embryos on the same day just a few minutes apart and hers worked and ours did not. And that is just the way it goes sometimes.
Thank you to everyone who has loved and supported and prayed for Chad and I through this journey we could not have done it without you and your prayers. We continue to give our thanks and praise to God for all the gifts he has given us and continue to hope that somewhere in our future is a precious baby for us to love.... Love to all Gena and Chad
