Day 3: Growing Up

Day 3 started with another trip to the clinic. Dr. Chang joined the ultrasound tech, Margaret, this morning for the appt. It was Chad's first chance to meet him, and it was great to see him come down for a first hand checkup...he showed genuine interest and explained his view of how things were progressing (which was well); targeting us, at this point, for a potential day 10 trigger on Sunday, 20 Jul. The ultrasound showed solid follicle growth; the count stood at 12 follicles...the largest of which was 12 millimeters...so they are right on pace. Overall, another successful and short appt at the clinic (they surely are efficient in processing their patients)...so nice to have an actual appt time as opposed to Walter Reed's Southwest Airlines-style cattle call of getting seen in the order that you rumbled in, which started at 0600.

Shady Grove's Rockville office is an extremely nice facility, and the staff has been exceptional thus far. There's an extra degree of comfort and peace of mind when you know that you are valued as an individual patient/case rather than seen as just another number in an endless cycle of procedures.

This evening's call from the clinic confirmed Gena's excellent progression thus far and has us going back tomorrow morning for another checkup. E2 level was 556 (Gena won the bet for closest to the actual number) and was the recipient of two scoops of ice cream from Ben-and-Jerry's (seven layer coconut bar and Whirled peace...two new flavors and oh they were good!!)

That's it for Day 3....all is well.

Day 2: Nice Ovary!

Today was our first appointment at Shady Grove. Chad got to get the indoc of the facility, as it as his first visit to the clinic. It is extremely nice and the staff is cordial and prompt. Our visit lasted 40 minutes, and we were headed out with good news and a picture to prove it.

Margaret, our ultrasound tech commented, "You go girl" when she saw how many follicles Gena had (and in just one ovary.) The progress was solid and the growing group numbered 15 in total.

Gena is on 3 shots a day right now; it may be one less per day than our last cycle with Walter Reed, but it's still three pricks a day and that's not fun!

The clinic called this evening and lowered the dosage on one of the drugs; a change which we fully expected and one which showed us that they truly are closely watching us as an individual case rather than trying to fit us into a standard protocol. Tomorrow was an expected day off, but they want us to come in for a checkup so we'll be back at the clinic at 0945 tomorrow.....guess it's Panera Bread for breakfast, once more :-)more

Nash and Teebo stayed back in GA this time...and we sure do miss them!

We spent the evening over at Spark and Gina's place....had a great dinner and they took us to a great custard place called "The Dairy Godmother" for dessert. They are doing very well and are expecting the birth of their son Samuel in Oct. They are treasured friends!

Well, that summed up day 2 of our trip. More to follow as we continue through this cycle.

Day 1: "Interstate" SHADY GROVE

The curtain has once again opened on our parenthood journey; with our first cycle at Walter Reed putting us on the exit ramp with a negative, we have re-merged on the road...now traveling down Interstate Shady Grove, as we work with the Shady Grove Fertility Clinic here in Rockville, MD (just a stone's throw north of Washington DC.) We are participating in their
Shared Risk program, which had a mountain of an expense to enter into but offers as much "comfort" (and there is often very little on the infertility journey) as is possible. If at first we don't succeed, we'll get to try-try again.

We drove 12.5 hours yesterday from Kathleen, GA, to get here. Arrived at the Hilton Hotel in downtown Silver Spring, MD. This was one of our fun spots to come to during our last trip, so we decided to skip staying at Bolling AFB like we did last time and stay downtown where all the action was!

We're settled in and ready for part two of this journey, which has now encompassed three plus years. And we come here knowing one thing...that we've done all we can to prepare our field; and we trust that God will, if it is part of his plan for us, let it rain. We've given everything we have, and leave the results up to God.

Finally an Update

Well as I am sure most have already heard and those who haven't probably could have assumed as we have been a bit delayed in our update our test came back negative. We were prepared for it as we had a lot of signs (I won’t go into detail :-) ) that pretty much let us know a few days before test day. I would like to be able to say that we shrugged it off and said "we'll get it next time" but honestly it has not been so easy. To be honest this has probably been one of the toughest weeks of my life. The pain is beyond anything I can really explain, the hope diminished and the fear so real. The fear comes from the realization that this just may not be in the cards for us. I know the easy answer for anyone who has a faith walk is that 'well then it is not meant to be' and as much as I would love to jump on the bandwagon of acceptance for whatever God's plan is for me it is not that easy when his plan may exclude children for Chad and I. At some point we will have to come to accept it as we will need to in order to be able to get on with our lives and find happiness once again. I just know it will be a tough journey to that place where we can come to peace with his answer to our deepest prayers and desires.

Test day was last Monday and it was a difficult day and the hospital did not make it any easier for me. It took me until the afternoon to even get the nerve up to go and get the blood test taken (it is a requirement even if you know the results as Walter Reed requires a documented test result). I first went to the clinic on base as I thought it would be the easiest place to do it even though it would take longer to get the results back (no big deal though as we knew the outcome). Well, I showed up at the lab and after waiting for 30 min I was told that they do not do HCG blood pregnancy test at the lab on base and I would have to go the hospital down town, so there I went. I showed up at the hospital and signed in and waited for my turn to be called up to the counter so they can register me and then put me in the que for my blood draw. After about another 30 or so min. I was finally called up to be registered, or at least I thought, I walk up to the counter and handed them the order for the blood draw that I received from Walter Reed on transfer day, they looked at it for about 5 min and then told me that it did not have a diagnosis on it so they could not perform the test. I asked the obvious question "wouldn't you need a pregnancy test to make a diagnosis????" Seems logical to me but not to them. Then I had to explain our situation about having IVF and such done, did I mention that there is absolutely no privacy and there is a room full of people, like I wanted these strangers to know my personal business. I was very agitated at this point, sad and angry. I just wanted to get the test over so it could be done and I could go home and cry. Of course that did not happen I had to wait for them to call Walter Reed to confirm the requirements. After they had their paperwork squared away I finally got my test done and had to wait another hour for the results so I could fax them to Walter Reed. The good news is I got it done and was able to maintain my composure.

I don’t know where we go from here. This road is a much tougher journey than I could have ever imagined. It is a part of my life that I would love to put behind me and just look to the future. I am not exactly sure how to do that. I know I hurt for Chad just as he hurts for me. I think the pain of disappointment for each other is worse than the pain we feel for ourselves. It is hard for me not to feel responsible for Chad having to go through this. That is something that is hard for me to get past. Of course he says it is nonsense and he wouldn't want to be anywhere else. He is such a great guy.

Today was my first day back to work since Dec 14. I enjoyed my time off and hated having to go back to work today but it is probably the best thing for me right now. It got me out of my PJ's for the first time in a week and I think I actually made it an entire day w/out crying so I'm making progress :-). Of course the day is not over yet :-)

I know a lot of people wonder if we will try again and I can honestly say, I don’t know. Before we started this latest journey we thought we would do 3 cycles and then go from there but after this first one I am not sure. There is a huge financial and emotional investment and it is very difficult when everything is going just how you prayed for it to go and then in the end it doesn't. It makes us a little gun shy to want to go through all of those emotional highs and lows. Then the reality hits us that we could walk away from this down $24K and still not have a baby. Not trying to put a price tag on what it would mean to us to have a child but after spending $24K on treatments there may not be much left for adoption, if we decided to go down that road which I know has its own emotional highs and lows. So really there is no easy answer for us and one that I do not think we are ready to answer.

For those who are curious our friends that we met there did find success and we could not be happier for them. I will admit it was hard for me to hear at first but I can honestly say that I am so thrilled that they do not have to go through what Chad and I are experiencing right now. The hard thing is that she and I are the exact same age, we transferred the same quality embryos on the same day just a few minutes apart and hers worked and ours did not. And that is just the way it goes sometimes.

Thank you to everyone who has loved and supported and prayed for Chad and I through this journey we could not have done it without you and your prayers. We continue to give our thanks and praise to God for all the gifts he has given us and continue to hope that somewhere in our future is a precious baby for us to love.... Love to all Gena and Chad

The 2 -Week Wait--Hope like Jeremiah

It's a beautiful day here in middle GA; we're back at the homestead and taking care of the normal things that stack up when you are away for the better part of a month. We've been on the road for some amount of time every month since last Aug...wierd feeling finally putting the luggage away for a bit.
We're in that "2-week wait" period...which is both an exciting and tough time. It's the closest we have ever been to the miracle we so long for; the very test results that we so long to see show that one or both of the miracle tinyTUTTs are still alive inside us also hold the potential to present a momentary permanence of "not this time"....and that is a heavy reality that looms and keeps everything in somewhat of a humanly check. We know God has everything under control and rest in His love, grace, and blessings.
Each day since our return, we have done a bible study in the "nursery"...our front room that has been vacant for so long and is so ready to hear the joyously-shrill cry of an angel of his. God had a great message for us in our study this past Sunday...asking us to have hope like Jeremiah (Jeremiah 32:6-29). And the accompanying story on hope has some awesome thoughts that really spoke to us...so much so that it would be remiss not to share them here. So here's the short story of "Living in Hope":

Buying that field in Anathoth was a deliberate act of hope. All acts of hope expose themselves to ridicule because they seem impractical, failing to conform to visible reality. But in fact they are the reality that is being constructed but is not yet visible. Hope commits us to actions that connect with God's promise.
What we call hoping is often only wishing. We want things we think are impossible, but we have better sense than to spend any money or commit our lives to them. Biblical hope, though, is an act--like buying a field in Anathoth. Hope acts on the conviction that God will complete the work that he has begun even when the appearances, especially when the appearances, oppose it.
The great looming fact is this: in the flurry and panic of that day in Jerusalem, not at all unlike any randomly selected day in anyone's week, with the populace divided between a dull acquiescence to the inevitable and wild schemes for escape, the single practical act that stands out from the historical record is that Jeremiah bought the field in Anathoth for seventeen shekels. That act made the word of God visible, made a foothold of it for anyone who wanted to make a way out of chaotic despair into the ordered wholeness of salvation. Many made their way out.
We have to get practical. Really practical. The most practical thing we can do is hear what God says and act in appropriate response to it...Hope-determined actions participate in the future that God is bringing into being. These acts are rarely spectacular. Usually they take place outside sacred settings. Almost never are they percieved to be significant by bystanders. It is not easy to act in hope because most of the immediate evidence is against it. As a result, we live in one of the most impractical societies the world has ever seen. If we are to live practically, we must frequently defy the practicalities of our peers. It takes courage to act in hope. But it is the only practical action, for it is the only action that survives the decay of the moment and escapes the scrapheap of yesterday's fashion.

In everything God has a purpose; and we hold onto hope like Jeremiah that even when the immediate evidence has been against us over the last two years, His plan for us it to be parents and He is going to complete the work He has started. To prepare our fields we have done our best, we humbly let God handle the rest.

Hoping for a "positive"

Chad, Gena, Nash, Teebo, Blasty-1 and Blasty-2

Day 21: Our Final Night

With our precious cargo of 2 already loaded yesterday, we begin loading the luggage in preparation for our departure tomorrow morning. It's our last night in DC for this trip,
and it's a little sad to say goodbye. We've done and experienced so much during our three weeks here...both medically and tourist-lly. We met awesome friends in Sparky and Gena and also got to spend a couple of nights-out with the Ogawas.
Ahead of our sadness to leave is the hope that we take home with us and the comfort of our own home that lies just 11 hours away. We depart tomorrow with a real chance at seeing the miracle we so long for come true....just two weeks time will tell....and the "closeness" to that miracle which we feel is an awesome emotion! Our two embies should be continuing to divide, and will reach the "blastocyst" stage tomorrow. We'll be praying that they both successfully implant
between Mon and Wed (the normal timeframe for that to happen).
Our time here was fabulous, and no doubt under a veil of prayer that we felt from so many who were lifting us up.
While it means an end to this IVF cycle, we hope and pray that it is the beginning to a new part of our journey...pregnancy. We'll continue to update the blog with new news...next big update will be on 4 Feb, when we get the results of the pregnancy blood test.

Until the next post, we just want to say again how much we treasure your love, support, and prayers.

Blessings be yours

Chad, Gena, Nash, Teebo, Embie-1 and Embie-2

The TinyTUTTS

Well, here they are....our two embies, just prior to being transfered to their new (and hopefully 9-month) home. While we are not sure who's who, they sure do look like brothers/sisters. :-)

It's truly amazing...life in it's earliest form...half-Gena and half-Chad. Few ever get to see their children this early in the game...a beautiful thing for us, and a faithfully humble reminder of the road we have journied thus far in our desires to be parents. So there they are....hanging out for a few days before implantation. We did our job...hopefully they'll do theirs and burrow well :-) We're sure God will take care of that!